Here I am….going on day 188 since my last cycle.
It appears my ovaries are going for a record on deciding not to ovulate. If I remember correctly, the longest I have gone without a cycle was about 6 months….so I’m on the heels of surpassing it! This is just one of the perks of having good ol’ PCOS. Some of the other perks include excess body hair, hot flashes, hair loss, weight gain, ovarian cysts, no cycles, etc., etc. Sounds sexy, right?
Sometimes I just get so darn frustrated with all of this. It is so easy to get lost in the sorrow of this journey. I climb into my little hole, and before I know it it’s months later and I can’t seem to pull myself out. When I get in these ruts I don’t want to get active, have sex, talk about stuff, it’s just like I let my emotions paralyze me. Half the time I don’t even know or realize that I am starting to feel that way and then by the time I do it’s hard to pull out of it.
This journey is so exhausting and confusing.
Due to treatments being so expensive we simply can’t afford to move forward right now. That means taking an unwanted break because trying naturally is essentially out of the question. I mean come on, 188 days’ cycle free! At this rate we might get to try naturally one or two times this year. I know, I know, we could have this ultimate miracle where it just magically happens, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that it will.
When I think about how long and how much money we have to put in to do something that some people take for granted, it really pisses me off. Did any of you see the news where another teen mom is having her third baby with her third baby daddy? Don’t get me wrong, I am as happy as I can be for them, but I mean really?!
Then there’s Beyoncé pregnant with twins and the world goes crazy, and I’m over here like can I just maybe make enough money or you know just have a period for once? Also, not counting the countless couples that I know who are getting pregnant left, right and center on their first try. It all just starts to wear on me.
The struggle is real my friends.
The struggle of feeling like crap, getting fed up with no coverage or funding, putting on the happy face, waiting for a miracle, feeling tired and stressed, laughing everything off and waiting for the struggle to be over.
How do you deal with the struggle of everything or pull yourself out of a rut? I would really like to hear your thoughts, ideas and tips on this, as I know am I not alone!
Until next time,
Thinking of you! I cope by trying to accept where I am in my journey – I say to myself this my journey and I am just going to be in this part of my journey right now. We are also out of money – but have two embryos left – I am not sure what I will say to myself when we have no more tries. I have a hard time waiting 33 days for my period – so I can’t imagine a 100 something day wait…
You hit the nail on the head with this. The struggle IS totally real and it’s one of the most isolating things I’ve ever gone through.