“Hello, I am calling to let you know we have your test results and I’m so sorry but they have come back negative. You are not pregnant.”
The news hits you like a ton of bricks because for 3 years, 4 months, 19 days and 11.22 hours you have been hoping and praying that it would finally happen to you. The day you would hear those three magical words… You are pregnant. But instead you are numb, hurt and disappointed. You knew this would happen… You allowed your mind to get ahead of reality and began to envision your growing belly, baby’s first kicks and seeing your baby move around on the ultrasound screen. To think, all this time has passed and you still have nothing, or no one to show for it. Believe me, I have been there – I too have felt the dull, numbing pain left behind by infertility. It’s a time where we feel as though we have failed, where we are made to feel like we are not good enough.
2015 was the year I often referenced as ‘the year of failure’. This was the first time I felt as though I had really failed miserably at something and I just didn’t know what to do about it. I mean the year started off great, I remember the joys of preparing for our first IVF. I was giddy, looking for witty shirts and socks to wear to my ultrasounds and transfer appointments… I exuded confidence, I was literally beaming. I was so sure this was going to work and my husband and I were going to have our hands full with a baby or two in the following 9 months. But then the unthinkable happened and when our pregnancy test came back negative, it tore my world a part, made me doubt every ounce of faith within my being. My life for the past year had revolved around us finally starting our family and IVF was supposed to make that happen. The devastation ravaged my heart and nearly suffocated my soul since we found out our transfer had failed.
Failing at getting pregnant sucks, whether attempting naturally, through IUI’s or IVF. It is overwhelming and at times it can be unbearable. You feel as though you are drowning in disparity and self-pity. It’s funny because with all the times we fail at getting pregnant, you would think we would get used to it but we don’t, failing is one of the toughest pills to swallow.
I am learning to deal/cope with this failure thing, and like with a number things in my life it is a work in progress, but with renewed faith, passion and perseverance I will continue to heal and make a mends for what I consider to be my failings. One big lesson in all of this is that failure is common (especially in the world of infertility), I am not the first nor will I be the last to have a failed IVF cycle. I have learned to accept that this IVF cycle will not be my only cycle AND THAT’S OK. I am learning to be kind to myself, to forgive myself quickly and often. We need to take the time to heal and put as many of the broken pieces of our heart back together again. Overcoming failure takes time and practice and it’s certainly not a one size fits all type fix. It will get easier to navigate as times goes on and every day I continue to make progress. Failure is also based on how you respond while staring it directly in the face. I am now able to look at my experience not as a failed one but as a fruitful one. As long as I looked at my transfer as a failure I would never be able to see the positivity in it. I would never be able to celebrate all of the things that my body and mind were capable of achieving.
The adversities and failures we face will only make our experience richer. We will be that much more worthy of our reward when we finally achieve it.
How do you manage failure? Do you have any tips for navigating disappointments and upset? Share them with us in the comments below.
Latoya, aka infertilesoil