Lisa

When my husband and I decided to start our family, we never thought we would have any trouble getting pregnant. When a year passed and I still hadn’t conceived, my family doctor sent me to my first fertility doctor. I remember being excited. My first appointment with Dr. W didn’t go the way I expected it to go. I sat in his office and after he did his initial assessment, he told me that before he could treat me for fertility issues, I needed to lose weight. He told me he would see me again in three months. I went home disheartened but determined to lose weight. Three months later, I went back to his office and again, it did not go the way I thought and again, he refused to do anything to treat me and again stated to come back in three months. This happened one more time and on my fourth visit, he told me that I hadn’t lost a significant amount of weight and when I asked him how much he wanted me to lose, he told me a significant amount. I was frustrated and replied back that my scale doesn’t say “congratulations, you’ve lost a significant amount of weight”. His response was that I should find a new doctor. I took some time off after seeing him because I was hurt and felt that another doctor would just do the same thing to me, so why go back.

After some time, I went back to my family doctor and asked for another referral. I then began seeing Dr. K. He did blood work and diagnosed me with PCOS, Hypothyroidism and Insulin Resistance. He immediately put me on Synthroid and Metformin. He was the doctor who did my Laprascopy, Hysterscopy and Dye Transit surgery. He ran a post coital test and he was the first doctor to start me on Clomid. He was also the doctor who did 4 Intrauterine Inseminations on a date he chose. There was no monitoring, there was no blood work, and he did it based on a 28 day cycle, knowing that my cycle was 38-42 days. But I didn’t know better. He was the fertility doctor. I trusted him. After the years that I was with him, I still did not become pregnant, and again, took a break from medically trying to get pregnant. During my time with Dr. K. I wrote a poem, which I have added at the bottom expressing my emotions during that time.

After a few years of trying the “old fashioned way”, my husband and I decided it was time to try again medically and I did some research and found a Fertility Clinic in my area. I fell in love with this clinic. The staff were fantastic. This clinic did ultrasounds, blood work, check ups. Things were timed properly. My cycles were monitored and IUI’s were done at opportune times. This clinic started me on Clomid, but then I ended up doing injectables. After five IUI’s with this clinic, I was still not pregnant. The doctor suggested moving to IVF, but the percentage of it working was not high enough to warrant spending the money that is involved, not to mention the emotional toll.

I was diagnosed with ‘Unexplained Infertility’. It is a diagnosis that I hate. I have all the parts and all my parts work, but I can not conceive a child. It could happen, but after trying medically on and off for 8 years, it hasn’t. Unexplained Infertility isn’t a tangible explanation for why I can’t get pregnant. I could understand better if I was told I had no cervix, no ovaries, no eggs…. but I have all of those. I have Unexplained Infertility.

My inability to conceive has left me empty, sad, hurt, angry, confused and guilty. I wanted to be a mom and the fact that I can’t, hurts. I feel guilty because I feel like I have failed as a woman, as a wife. I wanted to give my husband a child. I wanted my parents to be grandparents. I wanted to be a mom.

The financial toll is one of the main reasons that we didn’t continue with at least one IVF treatment. Had there been some sort of financial assistance, we would have tried once. I know I said that the percentage of conception was low, but there was still that chance, and we didn’t have that kind of money to try.

Infertility is expensive. Monetary wise and emotionally.

When my last IUI failed, my husband and I went out and adopted a cat, Sophie Da Naders. She was our baby and filled our lives with happiness, filling the void in our life. We lost Sophie August 30th, 2013 at the age of 15.

My name is Lisa and Infertility Hurts.

This is a poem I wrote in 2005 when I was being treated by Dr. K (my second doctor).

Infertility Hurts
After thirty-three months of
Trying to conceive And a positive pregnancy test yet to be seen
Infertility Hurts

After taking Metformin for PCOS
Three times a day
And Synthroid for thyroid, what more can I say
Infertility Hurts

Cycle days three through seven I
Take Femara as prescribed
And a vitamin with Folic Acid says the rules so I abide
Infertility Hurts

I’ve had an endometrial biopsy and a
Post-coital test, and laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and
Dye transit as a hospital guest
Infertility Hurts

We make love like clock work
Whether we want to or not
Sometimes through the motions but most times its not
Infertility Hurts

People tell us don’t stress it, to just have fun while trying
But that line drives me crazy
And I just feel like crying
Infertility Hurts

This journey to conception consumes me each day
I talk to my God
And continue to pray
Infertility Hurts

My doctor tells me my next stop is
Intra-Uterine Injections – hoping my body
Accepts it and there is no rejection
Infertility Hurts

Every day is a battle that I can’t seem to win
I’m just waiting for my turn
For a new life to begin
Infertility Hurts

So if I am crying, please know my hearts breaking
As another months passed and
Conception’s not mine for the taking
Infertility Hurts

August 3, 2005