Kelli

Everyday is a struggle! Even though my husband and I have stopped trying because we can no longer afford the cost of treatment, I still want a baby. That’s all I want! I go on Facebook daily and see all of my friends posting pics of their babies, most of them, for their second child. As I ‘like’ their pictures, deep down, I just want to cry. For the last 7 years we’ve experienced so many emotions: my thoughts and struggles; my husband trying to understand and support me; something ripping us apart then bringing us closer together; and the financial stress on top of all that. Do I pay my phone bill, or, try one more time? The debt we have incurred from this can so easily get out of hand.

I am 34 and have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Therefore, I do not ovulate without the assistance of drugs. My husband is 46, so his swimmers are not the fastest. It’s mostly me with the issue. We first tried with an oral medication for about a year. When that didn’t work, we were told we needed to go to the next step which was IUI. Four rounds at a cost of $1600 each time. The daily injections in the stomach, were so painful and stressful. My stomach would be so sore by the end of the week. And the emotions - I was all over the place. All of those hormones caused me to act crazy. You can ask my husband and he will tell you. The toll it took on my body - all the drugs, the depression, the weight gain.

All things I would be so willing to do again if given the chance. I still don’t know what the long term effect will be on my body. The support we have received over the years from close friends and family is great; but nobody understands unless they have been there themselves. People may think they do and try to offer help and say the right thing: Just have fun lots of sex. Well, it doesn’t work like that. It becomes more of a job than fun. As a hair stylist working with the pubic, the one question I’ve come to hate is, “Do you have kids?” The judgement I receive after! The questions they ask - I can’t stand it! Sometimes I just want to scream at them. Some ask, “Why don’t you just Adopt?” That one just pisses me off. We want our own children just like others have. Why is that not our right?

I know people don’t really know what to say most times. They should really stop and think about it. What I have tried to remind myself over the past year is to be grateful for what I have and to enjoy my life. I hear people complain about how hard their life is with children and how much work they are, and I think to myself how I just wish I had those same things to complain about. I know it’s not easy to raise kids, and yes, parents can complain. I’m not suggesting that they can’t. I’m just jealous that I can’t do the same. Having my first dog, who I treated like my child, recently pass away at the age of 4, I find myself struggling so much with the “why”. Haven’t I been through enough? He was my baby and now he’s gone. I understand that animals don’t live long. I get that, but he was still so young. We have another puppy. She’s one year and bit and they were best friends. I get home and squeeze her so tight that I’m afraid I may crush her. I feel so cheated. People tell me that I’m lucky I don’t have kids because they are a pain. They look at my life and say you can go out when ever you want. You have so much fun and freedom. I don’t want that kind of freedom though.

The one thing I did learn from all this is that telling my family and friends was probably my biggest mistake. I was just so excited, as was my husband. Dealing with the the affects of having to tell people who love that it’s false every month was so painful. I have a friend who decided to try and have a baby on her own. The one thing I told her was do not tell anyone. She was so excited as well and couldn’t help it. After 3 failed rounds of IUI she stopped. She then had to deal with the aftermath. My other girlfriend, whom I love dearly, just had a little one of her own. He is the cutest! When she unexpectedly got pregnant, she was kind enough to tell me ahead of time before posting it on Facebook.

Living in Ontario with the promise of IVF being funded by OHIP in 2015, I can only hope that this year I qualify for it, and can save up the additional money to cover what OHIP will not: approximately $5000 from what I have read for the cost of the drugs. You may ask why I would want to go through all the pain and emotions again. It’s simple. I want to have a little one of my own. I want a child so that at Easter dinner, when my nieces and nephew are putting on a magic show, I’m not sitting there, almost in tears, wishing my child was standing there with them. I want a child so that I can see them at Christmas opening their presents and seeing the joy on their face. I want to have a little one call me mommy. All I want is a baby!