Jacqueline and Jason

Since July 2011, when we were married, my husband and I have led, on the face of things, a pretty charmed life. We’re fortunate with our home and jobs, enjoyed wine trips through Europe, Napa Valley and Kelowna and ultimately been blessed. However, when we’re alone at home and it’s just the two of us, we’re both doing the best we can to keep it together and paste smiles on our faces.

6 months into our marriage I was theoretically diagnosed with endometriosis. With pregnancy as a suggested method to deal with it, the diagnosis didn’t faze us as that was our intent anyhow. Unfortunately, a year and a half later there was no respite from the constant pain or any positive pregnancy results. In August 2013, I had a laparoscopy to remove the tissue and confirm the diagnoses. While most experience relief, I felt no change whatsoever- the pain actually got worse for the following 6 months.

Coming home from our annual Kelowna holiday on my birthday, in fall 2014 I started a cycle of pain corresponding to my usual cycle. It wasn’t a cause for concern until 1.5 weeks later I was still spotting. A visit to the doctor and some blood tests confirmed I’d had my first miscarriage.

We’d been talking to a doctor at a fertility clinic for over a year at that point and immediately decided we were done with the waiting and were ready to go through with IVF. I had no blockages and hormone levels were all norma. Given our young age, all signs pointed to a successful process.

While emotionally exhausting and financially overwhelming, our IVF round in November 2014 resulted in 5 high grade fertilized embryos and with great results from the hormones and next to no side effects, we were planning how to rearrange rooms in our home for a nursery. Sadly, a week after the transfer, I started spotting and would test later in the week for our second miscarriage.

I feel strongly that no person should feel embarrassed by their reaction to a miscarriage, regardless of how early in the pregnancy it occurs. When you have hoped, prayed, saved and sacrificed for years to be ready- mentally, physically, emotionally, financially to go ahead with the decision to start a family, and you’re given the news that once again, it isn’t your time… your heart is ripped out of your chest and an aching crater is left in it’s place.

I did feel embarrassed and it made the pain worse because, by trying to keep it together all day, meant when I was finally alone I’d release all the anger and sadness I’d been feeling, only to repeat the process the following day. I am slowly becoming more open and able to discuss our infertility struggle, but feeling comfortable opening up like that doesn’t come naturally.

This past Christmas was horrible and got worse with every social media post of babies with Santa. We continued to avoid friends and family who’ve had babies recently. Tht’s another thing we never planned on: becoming so angry and sad at seeing the happiness of others, that we choose to stay at home and avoid situations where we might see young children or pregnant mothers. Simple things like going to a grocery store can be challenge when I’m forced to stand in line behind a lady with a baby.

This past March we did a frozen embryo transfer. 4 days later I ended up in the hospital with the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. As our luck would have it, I started spotting the following day.

We’re currently preparing for another frozen embryo transfer. Jason and I joke about how our life would look without the disruption and expense of having children, but then the smile slips and we go back into our own worlds and realize that’s really not how we see our lives. Our best friends visit with their newborn, and every time Jason holds him I’m angry and jealous of not being able to make that scene happen with a child of our own.

If sharing our story helps another couple facing this not feel so alone, helps employers realize their employees are going through these battles (males and females as husbands are not exempt from the emotional pain and suffering), or, prompts our health care system in BC to start looking to other provinces for fertility assistance standards, we’re happy to share our story. We are still praying for our fairytale ending.