We have been struggling with infertility for seven years now.
A lot of that time has been spent waiting.
Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to see if a pregnancy will stick. Waiting to miscarry. Waiting for a referral to a fertility clinic. Waiting to start a medicated cycle. Waiting to see if the medicated cycles worked. Waiting for my husband and I to be on the same page on how to move forward. Now that we have moved on to adoption, it has opened up another whole level of waiting. So much waiting.
During all this waiting, we have often put our lives and plans on hold.
We didn’t plan vacations because we might be pregnant at that time. I didn’t leave my job sooner because I thought I would get pregnant and go on maternity leave. It was hard for us to get out of this “on hold” mindset, to remember that there is more to life than waiting for a baby to arrive, especially since it might never happen. We need to live our lives and make decisions on what is right for us, my husband and I, not a possible baby.
Seven years in and I am just learning this lesson.
I wish I could go back and tell myself that a baby wouldn’t be arriving anytime soon, that I should quit my job, go back to school, go on vacation or do whatever it was that sounded good at the time but we chose not to do “just in case”.
I get that it is hard to do this, to live in the moment. Sometimes all you really can do is focus on the infertility or the miscarriage or the upcoming cycle, because that is your present moment. But when you can, try to do something or plan something just for you.
If you want to go on that trip to Europe but aren’t sure because you might be pregnant then, just book it and get cancellation insurance. If you do get pregnant and can’t go, you will deal with it as it comes. If you want to go back to school or accept that really great job offer but aren’t sure how a baby will fit into those plans, take it one day at a time. If you do get pregnant six months into your first year of school or new job, you will make plans accordingly. Don’t let your life and decisions be entirely based on something that may take a while to happen or may never happen at all. I don’t want you to have any regrets.
Here I am, a month and a half in to an awesome job opportunity that I am so thrilled about.
When I was offered the job, I was worried about taking it because what if we got a call from our adoption agency saying that we were matched? But then again, what if that call doesn’t come for another year or two, then what?
So I took the job and am loving it. Best decision ever. We are also discussing the possibility of going to the Grand Canyon in the fall. It is something that I have always wanted to do but we kept putting git off because if didn’t fit into our family making plans.
But if we don’t do it now, when will we do it?
It is definitely hard to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now, especially when it isn’t remotely how you envisioned your life would be. It is hard to make plans, especially ones that don’t involve pregnancy or parenthood. It’s hard to accept our reality sometimes.
But this is our reality and I want to enjoy it as much as I can. Today I choose to live in the moment and try not to focus so hard on when, or if a child will come into our lives. One day at a time. We’ve got this.