I am happy for you… I swear!

I like to think I’m a good friend. I’m not great at keeping staying in touch daily, weekly or even monthly with people, but I am ALWAYS around to pick up the phone if someone calls, or respond when someone messages. I may not be the initiator, but I am loyal and reliably ‘there’. I will laugh with you, I will crack jokes to make you smile, I’ll listen to your tears, and celebrate your joys. All this to say that even though I’m struggling with infertility… I’ll still jump up and down with you if you finally get pregnant, or if you’re excited for your 5th kid.

A while ago (about 3.5 years), my brother and his wife called me to tell me they were pregnant.

There was hesitation in his voice, there was pause of how to tell me, everything that was said was thought out with an ever-present uncertainty of how I would react. I remember the conversation clearly.  He cared about my feelings.  He was walking on eggshells.  There was a clear sense of relief when I reacted with utter joy and excitement.  I was going to be an Aunt (again.. but this time it was my brother, not my sister-in-law) and I was thrilled.

I remember it so clearly because it meant so much to me that they were worried about me and my feelings, but it also hurt a little, that they thought I would be anything but happy. I realized with this infertility bullsh$&t, that I’m even more excited and happy for my friends and family who are having kids. Why? Because I know what a struggle it can be. I know what a heartache it can be. I know how much pain, sadness, guilt and crushing disappointment, trying to have children can be.

Now having said that…baby showers…

I have gone to a couple since I found out I couldn’t have children. They’re hard on me. REALLY hard on me. I don’t know what it is, but it is not healthy for me. I also feel like I’m bringing everyone else down because I can’t seem to ‘get into the spirit’… so I’ve decided that, for my own mental health, I shouldn’t go to baby showers. Trust me, I LOVE buying my nieces and nephews (official or not) all the cute things, and I will 100% spoil your children (that’s my job as Aunt), but if I don’t RSVP “yes” to your baby shower, please know it’s not because I’m not happy for you, and it’s not that I don’t want to give you all the cute things… it’s simply a line I’ve had to draw for my own mental health.

So to all my friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family…I love you and am happy for you.

Happier than I can express.  I’m THRILLED for you and the adventure you’re taking on. Do not hesitate to call me or tell me. I will be the FIRST person to jump up and down with you…. to toast with a glass of scotch to you… I’m even willing to drink yours for you too!  I will absolutely be 100% in your corner. My joy and love for you trumps any pain or jealousy that may spring up.