There’s nothing more beautiful than when you prove to yourself just how strong you are.
My journey started just like anyone else's.
I was the type of girl who had my life planned out since high school. And I had these benchmarks in my head of when I wanted to accomplish my life goals. I mean, I was driven and ambitious, to say the least. I had a picture in my head of how I wanted my life to unfold and I naively thought that it was going to go as planned.
And then I hit 32 (ugghh such a cliche!) and my husband and I decided to try for a baby and.... crickets. After almost a year of trying to conceive and in the midst of being in naturopathic medical school, I got pregnant. John, my husband and I were so excited! We told our parents and our siblings.
Everything went well until the early ultrasound at 7 weeks. I remember that moment vividly in my head. I couldn’t see the screen, but I could see the tech’s face. She was smiling and friendly as she started the scan, then silence. I could see her face grow sombre and she said that she would need to confer with the doctor. She had me book in another week’s time and that’s when I found out that there was no heartbeat and all they could see on the scan was a gestational sac. I miscarried a few days later. In an instant—everything changed.
I was totally devastated and depressed. I’m the type of person who just bottles things up and it’s really difficult for me to talk about personal things even with friends or family. I sat with my grief for a long time. School was a welcome distraction and I just threw myself into the work. I saw the school counsellor and had weekly appointments with my naturopathic doctor.
After my miscarriage, I saw a gynaecologist and a naturopath. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS. And I'm thinking how can this JUST be diagnosed NOW? After a laparoscopy (aka surgery to get endometriosis out), my gynaecologist sent me on my merry way and said I'll fall pregnant in a few months. BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. Not for YEARS! Infertility threw me in for a loop.
In the months that followed I really dived deep into how I was going about my journey and what I was doing to support myself. I asked for help. I asked for support from others. I built a fertility team around me to get me through this because I know that I could not Google my way through this or DIY this. I saw a naturopath, pelvic floor physiotherapist, chiropractor and RMT. I did ART in conjunction with this. 3 years after seeing both a naturopath and landing at the fertility clinic and trying 3 IUI's and IVF, I finally got pregnant and had my beautiful baby boy named Bruce! He is now 22 months old and he is a dream come true and an answered prayer!
We did a FET last November 2019 since we wanted to try for another baby. I got pregnant but unfortunately I miscarried at 7 weeks. Again, it was at the early ultrasound that they discovered no heartbeat and only a gestational sac. My fertility specialist was extremely caring and monitored me closely. I was about to start another FET when COVID-19 happened and fertility clinics were shut down.
I’m in limbo right now, just waiting and hoping that I can start my next FET soon. On one hand I know that it is medically necessary to close down due to the pandemic but on the other hand, I feel like I’m getting older by the minute. I feel a lot of fear and uncertainty in the success of my future cycles. I don’t want to have to go through another miscarriage and heartbreak. But I also want to complete my family and have a brother or sister for Bruce to play with.
This is my story.