A few weekends ago my husband and I were camping with our good friends and they posed the question about what our greatest goal was in life. I quickly responded without even a second thought, to be a mother. You see, ever since I was little I have always wanted to be a mother. My husband thought for a bit and then replied, to be a dad. Hearing each other speak about our goal of becoming parents and creating a family was reassuring. This is something that we have always been on the same page about, and was a big reason why we feel in love with each other. However, I don’t ever think we thought it would have been this difficult to make our dream come true and achieve our greatest life goal.
Through this conversation our friends were prompted to start a conversation of their own about having a family. They spoke about how they would feel if they had children, didn’t have children, or if they had difficulty conceiving. When my friend told me about the conversation they had and the outcome of that conversation, I was blown away. Cam and I were always on the same page that we would do whatever it took to become parents and have a family, but not every couple has this conversation prior to trying to conceive. The courage it took to have this deep and honest conversation with each other about the reality of conceiving is inspiring. I feel that every couple should have this conversation before they begin their journey because if they are not on the same page or want the same things, it can be difficult.
This journey is not for the faint of heart.
It is a journey that you need to constantly support each other, be willing to pick the other up when they are down, be realistic and hopeful at the same time, and most importantly be brutally honest at all times. I can’t even imagine how much more difficult our journey would be if we were not on the same page before we began trying.
So, if you are reading this and just beginning your journey, or know someone who is, here are a few questions to ask each other to start the conversation:
- How long are we going to try and conceive?
- If we are not able to conceive naturally, are we going to do fertility treatments?
- What treatments are we ok with?
- How long are we going to do treatments if we are not succeeding?
- Are we open to egg or sperm donors?
- Are we open to using a surrogate?
- Are we open to adoption?
- If we are not successful naturally or with treatments are we okay with not having children?
- How much do treatments cost and how much are we willing to spend?
- Do we have a support system that will help us through this journey?
This journey is lonely. This journey is taxing. This journey is overwhelming. This journey is complicated. This journey is eye opening. This journey is scary. This journey is upsetting. This journey is frustrating. This journey is long. This journey is exhausting. This journey is heartbreaking. This journey is expensive. This journey is exciting. This journey is hopeful. This journey is a roller-coaster. This journey is amazing. This journey is not easy.
If you and your partner have not had a conversation like this, then you need to.
I cannot stress this enough. It is so important to be on the same page with your partner through this whole journey. It will test your relationship, your love for each other, and make you want to isolate yourself. So many couples, unfortunately, do not make it through their journey to children and a family. I believe this is in part because they did not have the difficult conversation before they began. It is so easy to think that you will begin trying and get pregnant right away, but this is not always the case and it is important to prepare for that outcome. Trust each other to communicate your fears, worries, hopes, and goals about having a family and what that means to each of you.
Explore your options, be loving, be open, and most importantly be honest.
Let’s start a conversation.
Until next time,