As I write “Our Story”, I do it with mixed emotions. There is so much fear of putting it out there into the world, but I am doing it because as I read other people’s stories, I could see myself in some of them, and they gave me the comfort I needed to know we aren’t alone.
They say when you meet “The Person” you will just know. Whoever “they” are definitely got it right when I met Todd; he is the right person in so many ways. We both were very cautious when we started dating but it wasn’t long until we couldn’t be apart and that still stands true now - I feel like we are still newly dating six years later!
Two years into our relationship, I can remember sitting on a balcony of a resort in Dominican Republic talking about marriage and children. I had always said that I wasn’t going to have children, when I look back now I figure I said that because I either wasn’t with the right person to have children with and/or maybe somehow I was protecting myself from heartache. We decided at that point that we wanted to get married, but we would also start trying to get pregnant. Truthfully I remember that moment so clearly, when I looked at Todd, all I could see was the World’s Greatest Dad. I wanted nothing more than to see a little person that we created in his arms.
And so begins our journey….
The next year we were married on that same Beach where we made the big decision to get married and start a family. We had been trying all year but didn’t get pregnant. I just chalked it up to being stressed with wedding plans. We were married in April, in June of that same year I felt a little funny so we decided to take a pregnancy test. It wasn’t my first pregnancy test that year, nor would it be my last but when I saw the two lines pop up I wasn’t sure if I should scream, laugh, cry. I ran out to Todd and stuck the stick in his face; he looked at it and we both cried. We also immediately when to Chapters and bought a book about what to expect. We were so excited! The next day I took another test – I just wanted to be sure and it was one of the ones that tells you approximately how many weeks. It said I wasn’t pregnant. The next two said the same. We had experienced a false positive.
We have been married for 3 years, trying for 4 years and I have seen so many negative pregnancy tests that I assume that is just how they come or that if your period doesn’t come, just pee on a stick – it is guaranteed to start the next day. We have seen doctors, I have had numerous tests – we are riding the Rollercoaster of Infertility and it isn’t a fun ride at all. We both have had it take a toll on our mental health. At one point, on advice of the doctor and just for our own sanity we took a “break from trying” so we could just reconnect with each other.
This journey has been filled with so many emotions. I have sadness when someone announces their pregnancy, then I am happy for them, then I am angry because it is not me, then I am guilty because I am angry. I have perfected the fake smile. I think what I have learned through this whole process is that there never is a one size fits all solution. Being 1 in 6 has taught us many things, most importantly we are learning we are not alone.
Todd and I talk about our options - happiness because we know we may be able to adopt, sadness because I may never get to feel what is I like to have a human growing inside of me, a human we have created, anger because this may be my only option and then guilt because I don’t know if I want to choose this option. Personally I don’t know if could go through IVF (as I type this I am waiting for my appointment at the clinic so I can learn more), to not have a guarantee at the end and that I might have to face heartache all over again – how much hurt can our hearts endure. Although many have told me the wonderful successes and I have friends who have had great success, I just can’t explain my hesitation – although I am willing to listen. When it comes to adoption, I see all of the positives that come with it and again have friends who are so grateful for that option, but yet again something holds me back.
We have listened and we have talked and I don’t know what is worse - the guilt, the judgment or the heartache I feel with the decision that at this point we may just opt to be us. But I feel like there comes a point where we need to make this decision. We are older but still young enough to enjoy the life we have created for ourselves. We have amazing nieces and nephew that we can give our attention too. We have each other and let me tell you if this whole 4 year process has taught us anything it is that we are in each other’s corner and man are we strong!
If by some chance it is meant to be then let me tell you, that moment will be hard to put into words. For now, we will continue on the journey.