Karie

My husband and I found out the month after we were married in August 2006 that we were pregnant. I was surprised that it had happened so quickly and we were ecstatic about it. I couldn’t wait to tell people and before we knew it our family, friends and co-workers were in on our happy news. Sadly, after weeks of suspecting something was wrong, an ultrasound revealed at 11 weeks that our embryo measured 6 weeks, 2 days without a heartbeat. We were devastated. Shortly after, our friends were becoming pregnant and I wanted to start trying again, although admittedly I was still recovering emotionally from the miscarriage. I was fearful of having the same experience. It was difficult of go to baby showers or hear that someone I knew was pregnant. I felt jealous, angry and sad. I didn’t like the feeling of not having control over the situation. It is incredibly frustrating not becoming pregnant month after month. When we started trying again I was confident that I would become pregnant quickly but after a year of trying we decided it was time to speak to our family doctor who referred us to a fertility specialist. Our fertility testing did not reveal any problems that would prevent us from becoming pregnant and we began our first round of IUI in June 2008. It did not work.

I started my period before I was due to go in for a pregnancy test. During the months of fertility testing and probably the exhaustion of my frustration, I came to realize that I was on a journey. I had been on this journey all along. From the moment I first found out I was pregnant, I was on a journey that was changing me. When I realized there was something else in plan for me, I began to embrace the experience. I couldn’t make myself get pregnant faster and I had to accept this process. The next month I decided to meditate to help let go of my fear of another miscarriage. I imagined only a healthy pregnancy beginning from the IUI to the birth of a healthy baby over and over again, instead of fearing my previous experience.

On July 4, 2008 I had my second IUI that led to the pregnancy of my first daughter. We welcomed her into the world in March, 2009. I believe that not getting pregnant again right away and finally accepting the journey made me face my fear of another miscarriage and learn to let go and accept that I had no control over what happened.

When my daughter was two, we started trying again on our own. Figuring it would take us awhile we were pleasantly surprised when 10 months later, a week before our 1st fertility meeting with our specialist, I found out I was pregnant.

I cancelled our appointment with our fertility specialist that week only to call back the next week to reschedule due to some disappointing news. I had a second miscarriage five days after finding out I was pregnant. Assuming everything would go as last time with the fertility testing, I was shocked to find out that my follicle stimulating hormone was high for my age and that it was one of the very few results that lacked a treatment. My doctor repeatedly said we were lucky to have our daughter here already and that if wanted another child, treatment may need to be with injectable medication and begin right away. Having a high FSH level indicates egg reserve is low or of poor quality. I was surprised that something was found that might affect our chances this time and it was difficult to stay positive. I turned to acupuncture and mediated during these sessions before and after work. It was hard to remain positive that first session of acupuncture even though that was my intention. I found myself feeling lonely and sorry for myself, laying in a room, my body full of needles. I eventually saw the benefits of the acupuncture and I began to look forward to it. It gave me time to reflect and relax during my busy days if nothing else. After three rounds of IUI this time, I became pregnant with our second daughter and we welcomed her in December, 2012.

Since beginning fertility treatments, I have been open with friends and family and am surprised by how many people have approached me to talk about their fertility issues and ask questions about my experience. Staying positive is so important during this journey. Some people get down about the ‘unromantic’ process of fertility, but I believe fertility treatments were a beautiful window that allowed me to learn so much about myself, my husband and my children. I know exactly when I conceived my children and how fast their heartbeats were at 6 weeks gestation. I knew things about my babies and saw them on ultrasounds before some people even know they are pregnant. I am forever grateful to my doctor and his staff and to my network of family and friends for being interested and listening to me when I needed to talk.