The air is changing. We wake up one morning and *snap*, just like that, the summer’s gone. There’s a chill that seeps in and reminds us that time is passing, and I can practically feel my biological clock—tick, tick, tick. I may feel it a bit more this fall because I am preparing to return to treatment after a summer off. Yes, that’s right, I didn’t try to get pregnant on my holiday this year.
And wow, did I need that time off!
Being in the trenches of infertility is incredibly overwhelming and can easily take over your life—mind, body, and soul. This spring, as I got ready to schedule my next treatment cycle I found that it would have landed in the middle of July, and I just could not go through with it. “Aren’t we supposed to be in BC that week?” *Checks calendar* No, this cycle would fall the week before that trip. “Damn.”
Can I drink wine/waterski/hike/BREATHE after the transfer? Will any of those things make a difference to our embryos ability to implant? Will I be able to think about anything else for the whole vacation?! And I just froze. In an uncommon moment of clarity on this journey I just knew that I could NOT spend one more summer like this.
I needed a moment to remember who the heck I am.
What makes me ME is my boundless enthusiasm, my roaring laughter, my zest for fun and mischief, and my deep affection for the people in my life. After years of trying and trying to build our family I had felt so much of that slipping. I could not sign up for something that basically demanded that I destroy my summer vacation for a shot at conception. Just a shot, not even a guarantee.
So I didn’t do it… I just refused. It’s a novel concept in this land of trying, ceaselessly, to just stop. But that’s what I needed for the summer. It’s not that I didn’t want to keep trying—I was still committed to building our family. I just needed a break. And I have to say, it’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I stayed up late and ate pizza. I got drunk on my father’s boat laughing until my sides ached. I didn’t have to cart boxes of vitamins and drugs in my suitcase and PRAY no one would ask me what the needles were for. And I didn’t worry about if I was finally pregnant.
For two glorious months I got to step away from that hysteria.
Not that the thought didn’t creep in from time to time. After years of overthinking that question it didn’t magically turn off because I wasn’t cycling, but it was much easier to push it out of my head and it didn’t hold my emotions hostage like it usually did. Thank god for this summer! I feel like this pause allowed me to recharge my batteries and re-evaluate what I want out of treatment again. I mean, I obviously want to get pregnant, but it has given me some clarity on the lengths I am willing to go to, the things I’m willing to give up, and what my next steps look like. So now that the fall is upon us I feel like I can once again take a deep breath and wade into these turbulent waters.
I remember who I am. I am lively, funny and sweet. I am a swimmer, a gym rat, and an avid reader. I train dogs like a boss and love other people’s children furiously. I am worth remembering, hell I am worth celebrating!
And so I did.
I allowed myself the summer to really just forget about becoming a mom, and enjoy instead all of the things I already am! As I picked up the phone to schedule my next cycle I was so happy that this summer wasn’t THE summer (you know, the one where you finally get pregnant)… because instead it was MY summer.
If you took a break this summer and are just getting back to it I hope you feel as rejuvenated as me. I wish you all the best in the months ahead and that you have the wherewithal to stand by the things you discovered about yourself and your hopes for the future.
Wishing you strength and baby dust!