It was so clear to me! I was sitting in a circle in my yoga teacher training. We had to come up with a guided meditation nearly on the spot! Earlier that day I was looking at a book on a completely filled book shelf. It was a small, narrow paperback—it would have been so easy to miss. But something wanted me to hold that book in my hands. My hand was drawn to it and the cover “No Mud, No Lotus”. The lotus flower which is so delicate yet so strong, has been my favourite flower for so long. In fact, my wedding bouquet was filled with beautiful blooms from our wedding in Thailand earlier that year. And I had been saying those words in my head for months. I didn’t know it was a book and I didn’t see the universal breadcrumbs until now.
It was about four months after my first miscarriage.
I was learning what self-care was and I was learning how to incorporate it into my life. Insert yoga teacher training! Now I know that self care involves more smaller daily tasks for our well-being, not always elaborate yoga retreats or spa days. But if you met me, you would know that I’m a “dive in” kinda gal… well sometimes. I gained many lessons during my yoga teacher training and this lotus one is one of my greatest insights.
I was learning that even in the dark times after my miscarriage that it’s okay to be where you are at that moment. I am growing and healing. A few months prior, I was so confused about my miscarriage. I replayed it over and over and wondered what I would have done differently. I pushed down a lot of my sadness because I didn’t know how to deal with it. Miscarriage is not always openly talked about so I thought I needed to smile and press on. But like pushing down a beach ball underwater it only bounced back out of the water.
My body was having a hard time.
Hair was falling out and I wasn’t sleeping. My face had large painful breaks-outs and I didn’t get my cycle back for months. I had no idea that this was my body begging for help. No one talked to me about any of this. My physical self was crashing and my mental wellness was crashing too. As a newlywed, I felt like a failure and that I was undeserving of being with my husband because I didn’t stay pregnant. And without realizing it, my anxiety increased and I became depressed.
I had some people I was comfortable talking to and I also spoke to a counsellor. She asked me a question that changed my life.
“What do you do for self care?”
Fast forward a few chapters and I was sitting in a circle with thirteen other people diving deep into spiritual growth and awakening.
I was a little seed. It’s okay to feel lonely, scared, and in the dark. For in my core, my seed was hope and there was light. Little by little that light and spark would grant me the courage to leave this dark space and see where I could grow. I need this darkness. I needed this pain and as devastating as it is, I needed this loss of pregnancy and my fertility journey. I needed this thick mud to grow into the flower in order to share my truth, my love and my light to others in the “trying to conceive” community.
I used this inspiration to give my guided meditation a whirl. The imagery of a lush pond full of life and creativity rushed in my head and out through my spoken word.
I realized that with love, light and nurturing ourselves, we can overcome adversity.
Sometimes it’s a sign we need as it can be fuel to motivate us to be present and get up and move forward. We can grow from rock bottom and look around and see how far we have come! Though, this was just in the early stages of my fertility journey, I kept this lesson close to my heart and that first meditation sparked so much for me and my offerings to the fertility community. The lotus stayed with me as I continued my yoga training for yoga for fertility, through my fertility journey, two more miscarriages, through my high-risk pregnancy, the birth and now postpartum. I have grown to become resilient.
Remember you are a seed and you can grow through the thick mud that is the fertility journey. You can blossom and shine.
By Darrien Minnie