If you asked me four years ago what I would be doing at almost 31 years old, I would have stated that I would be happily married with one or two kiddies running circles around my husband and me. I would be itching to get away with him for some quality one-on-one time as it would be scarce and hard to come by. We would be saving up to take our kids to Disney World to experience it together as neither of us ever went as children. We have imagined our children’s eyes lighting up with magic at the sight of the Disney castle. We would watch as our kids learned to adapt to the world around them and be in awe and wonder of the little mini-me’s we created. We would be happy, in love, and content with life.
Alas, this is the perfect dream, but life is not always perfect—actually far from it for those of us still struggling with infertility and trying for our miracle.
As I sit typing this, about to turn 31 years of age on Monday, I feel disheartened that my life has not turned out as my husband and I have hoped. We are very happily married but there are no children running around us. There is no savings account for Disney World. Instead there is a line of credit that’s mounting up fast from the continued infertility treatments and failed IVF cycles.
Where there should be joy and wonder watching our kids grow up, there is heartache and longing. There is doctor appointment after doctor appointment and decreasing percentages for success with each failed attempt. Where there once was optimism, now there is fear. There is fear that we will never have that dream life we have always longed for and fear that life will never fully feel complete if we cannot have biological children.
There is sadness that so many around us are blessed with their beautiful children and we can only experience it from the outside.
When I think back to my younger self at age 27 when we first started trying to conceive, there was so much hope, excitement and positivity. We were filled with anticipation of seeing those two lines appear on the pregnancy test and imagined the looks on our parents faces when we told them they were going to be grandparents (again for Mike’s family) and that my Nana was going to finally be a great-grandmother!
With each month and year that passed, that excitement has turned to frustration, stress, and anxiety. The hope started to turn to worry that this may never work out for us. Happiness faded and depression crept in. Then I asked myself, “when did infertility start to rule my life?” The answer was apparent—the moment I was diagnosed. Since then, we have been putting our lives on hold and saying no to things because “we could get pregnant” or “we need the money for IVF” or “I can’t drink because what if this month is the month!” That is when I realized things needed to change for Mike and me for both our sanity and our emotional well-being.
You only get one life in this world—LIVE IT!
That being said, we just got back from six glorious nights spent on the beach in Nassau, Bahamas sipping on delicious drinks, eating good food, swimming, lounging, and we even snorkeled with the Caribbean reef sharks! For the first time in the past two or three years since we’ve been knee-deep in IVF and infertility treatments, I felt the spark of life reignited within me. We both felt relaxed, happy and at peace. We forgot about all our struggles and focused on the right now. This is what life is about. Spending time with people you love doing the things that you love. It’s okay to remind ourselves of this every once in a while, during this incredible uphill climb that we call infertility. We are warriors, and every now and again even warriors need a break. I’m here to remind you that taking a much needed and deserved break is NOT a sign of weakness and is NOT giving up. It is important to refuel and recharge so that you are ready to face the next challenge or be ready to celebrate your success with everything you have!
By: Fairen Balogh, ababyforthebaloghs.wordpress.com