I am a badass.
Seriously. I am one tough cookie. There are many lessons I have learned over the past four years of infertility insanity, but that one’s my favourite. And much to my surprise, many of the lessons I’ve learned have been positive, and have had a positive impact on my life. That’s not to say that I’m thrilled to have to deal with infertility, but there is a silver lining per se.
I want to take you through a few of these lessons because I didn’t always realize them at the time, but I do now and I hope some of you will recognize how badass you are too, if you don’t already.
So, infertility sucks. No shocker there, right? That’s not one of the lessons, don’t worry. It’s just a call out that it totally blows.
It has taught me however, that I am pretty resilient.
A lot of people have told me throughout our infertility journey that I am brave. I have to disagree though, because I don’t feel brave at all. I feel impatient and frustrated, but focused as hell. Having children is my goal, and I will not stop doing what I need to do until it happens (however it happens). We go through procedure after procedure, and I don’t do it because I’m brave, but because it is what is necessary. I’ve gotten over my fear of surgery, of needles, and the uncomfortable awkwardness of internal ultrasounds. To me that doesn’t equal brave, but admittedly it does add to my “bad-assiness”.
I want to go back to resilience for a second. It’s important to recognize, and be proud of this. Infertility comes with a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of pretty serious emotional challenges. To get back on the proverbial horse time after time, is a big achievement. To deal with the constant emotional rollercoaster is really hard and it’s difficult to stay grounded. But we try, we do our best, and you know what? We are STRONG. This doesn’t mean that we don’t get sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, etc. It doesn’t mean we need to be positive all the time. It does mean that we feel however we feel at any given moment, and we keep going.
Strong. And super Badass.
Next… PERSPECTIVE and PRIORITIES. These are huge. Infertility (and more specifically the loss that has come along with it) has changed my perspective on a lot of things. It has taught me what is truly important, and how to recognize (and de-prioritize) what is not. I’ve chosen to surround myself with wonderful people, people who value friendship and family and who have beautiful hearts. I’m trying to be a more sensitive person. I’ve learned to say no to unnecessary drama and I’ve also chosen to move away from those people who I feel have dishonest intentions. And I don’t feel guilty about it. It’s actually kind of liberating.
I’ve learned that life can change on a dime and you never know what’s next. This scares me, but also makes me appreciate how lucky I am in many ways. It has taught me to be mindful and to acknowledge the good in life. I’ve learned that I can handle way more than I thought. And I know when I do have children, I will be armed with an array of experiences that I only hope they never have to go through, but I do hope I can pass on the lessons I have learned from them.
By Brooke Caruk, ithinkaboutyouallthetimeblog.wordpress.com