Summer is in full swing and as another heat wave hits, I’m sitting here planning out how I am going to enjoy it. I’m making a point to stuff it full of every fun thing that I would never do (or would do differently) with a newborn. Buckle up for of a succession of long road trips, backcountry camping, splashing around in waterfall pools, festivals under the hot sun, lazy lake days, and late nights staring up at the milky way.
You see, infertility is a thief. It steals so much from me. It steals my time, my energy, my joy. It steals my happiness for other mothers. It steals conversations with my husband. It steals my money. It steals my hopes and dreams.
But every now and then I think about what it gives.
Had things gone to plan I would have a toddler by now and maybe even be pregnant for a second time. I can’t even imagine what that life would be like. Instead, infertility had a different plan for me. In this life my husband and I gained some extra time only having to worry about ourselves. We’ve had the opportunity to focus on our relationship and grow as a couple. We’ve had the chance to dedicate attention to our careers and grow professionally. We’ve been able to do some travelling, the non-kid-friendly kind.
Even though I am more than ready for our family to grow, I am also thankful for this time that we have – just the two of us. I don’t feel this way every day. Often I struggle with anger and sadness. Nor do I long for many more summers like this one. That being said, you better believe I am going to enjoy the time we have, because things can change in an instant. Sure I could put my life on hold for the dream of a future family, but the only thing that is certain is this beautiful, sunny moment. One day (hopefully because there is a newborn in my arms) we won’t be able to take this completely selfish and definitely adventurous time.
There is so much waiting when it comes to infertility …
… waiting for the next appointment, the next test, the next treatment, the next period. It’s always about what’s to come. But maybe for a few warm months it doesn’t have to be. So this summer, take some time to really live for now. Maybe a road trip or a hike isn’t for you, but take some time to enjoy the things you love. The world around you has no intention of waiting.
By Catherine Forth