I’m going to be real for a second. I figured when this blog post rolled around I would be blissfully pregnant. I think that’s kind of what we all hope for on a monthly basis when something is coming up, whether it’s a family gathering, a party, a baby shower (shudder), really, anything. We all kind of hope that we’re pregnant for the next holiday, the next celebration, you know the drill. We never want to be the only childless couple at an event. And being even a little bit pregnant is better than not at all.
And we build up all the scenarios in our head when it comes to these things. We think about how it would be the perfect time to announce, because when someone realizes you aren’t drinking or just aren’t yourself you get to spill the beans! I know I do it all the time. As holidays loom I think about how I would be able to do a specific announcement to the event, like “we’re eggspecting” or “There’s an extra gift this year, estimated delivery date of xx xx”. Yet, here we are, another blog deadline looming, another holiday around the corner and there is no announcement in the works …
… because like every other month, there is no baby on board.
I try not to get my hopes up each cycle, because then it’s not as hard seeing the negative results at the end. But I broke my rule this cycle and I got excited, because I just felt like this would finally be it! We were starting IVF and even though I know it isn’t a guarantee I told myself we would be the exception to the rule. I was thinking about due dates and announcements and pinning like crazy to my secret Pinterest baby board. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the cycle would be cancelled before it every really had a chance.
We started our stims on a Friday and took a corny “his and hers” shots picture. Mine of course being menopur and Aaron’s being whiskey. We were excited and nervous because everything over the last almost 4 years finally felt like it was truly getting somewhere. We were FINALLY doing something more aggressive. I have to say, I honestly didn’t mind the injections, it was a small price to pay for what would be our huge blessing. On day 6 we introduced a second set of injections in the morning, an ovulation blocker since my numbers on day 5 had been looking amazing, which of course, made me feel all the more like this was truly it. I was imagining a scenario where we ended up with 15+ eggs which led to many embryos, which was followed by a two emby transfer and in 9 months twins, and more to freeze for future siblings.
I told myself on a daily basis I was finally going to make my husband a father.
On day 8 it all came crashing down. No embryos, no twins, no announcing to my amazing husband that he was going to finally be a daddy, because there wasn’t going to be any more of a cycle. Cancelled. Our cycle was cancelled. Somewhere between day 5 and day 8 my estrodial levels decided to drop. Our doctor told us he thought our best option was to cancel rather than waste time and money on maybes and to reassess in 3 cycles with a new approach. More waiting. I mean hadn’t we already done enough of that? I trust our doctor utterly and completely, but in that moment he broke my heart. I was at work when I got that call and let me tell you, it took every ounce of strength in my body to hold it together for the rest of the day. After calling Aaron and sobbing about feeling like a failure I spent a good part of the afternoon hiding in the bathroom to cry between work calls.
The only blessing was it was a Friday and I could hide at home for the entire weekend and not see or speak to anyone.
Disappointment is a hard thing when you have psyched yourself up to a point that you don’t think anything can go wrong. You get yourself in the mind set of “it won’t happen to me” and when it does happen you can barely begin to wrap your head around it. However, at one time or another, disappointment affects us all, especially when it comes to reproductive issues. Unfortunately the struggle with infertility is riddled with varying degrees of disappointment, from failed cycles, to cancelled ones and everything else in between. Here’s the thing though, it’s ok to be disappointed, you’re only human. It doesn’t make you any less capable of handling the roller coaster that is infertility and treatment. We all go through it and we all handle it in our own way.
There is no right or wrong way to handle the disappointment associated with with this journey, as long as you don’t let it control you. Don’t let the fear of being disappointed keep you from trying, because if you don’t try you will never get to experience the joy of it finally working out in your favour!
By Brittenay, journeytobabybell.wordpress.com