For as long as I can remember I have loved to write. I always had tons of ideas, thoughts and feelings I couldn’t properly articulate in to spoken words, but then I would sit down with a pen and paper and things would just flow out so smoothly.
It just seemed so natural to me to write about our journey, first through my own blog and then by joining FMC. I’ve never been ashamed of anything we’ve been through, and why should I, it’s our life, good, bad and ugly.
While the majority of what I write is to inform/educate others or to share our struggle, there is another side to my writing, a softer side. While I have a lot of faith we will some day be parents, there are no guarantees in any of this. We can only hope, pray and find solace in each other as we traverse this road. Every so often I will sit down and write in a diary I hope to someday give our child. I write about how longed for they are and how I often say a silent prayer that I hope they can hear. For today’s blog, I want to share a very intimate part of my heart, a letter written to a baby who may never come.
” Dear Baby,
You aren’t even made yet and already you are so loved and longed for by many. We work so hard to turn our dreams of you in to a reality, but it’s harder than we could have ever imagined. Some days you feel so close, yet others so far away.
I don’t think there is anything we wouldn’t do to have you here with us. We wish, hope and pray for you every day. I could have never imagined that the journey to you would be so rocky, but you are worth every tear, every surgery, every pill and soon enough every needle, if it means we are one step closer to you being in our arms rather than just our hearts. We could have never imagined that IVF would be our destination on our path to you, but we’re going in to this stage of our journey with hope and strength, because we know just how worth it you truly are.
This road to you has taught us a lot about patience, pain & perseverance.
Nothing in life prepared me for the type of pain you can feel over the loss of something you truly never had. Every cycle that ends without you feels just as painful as the last. You don’t get used to that type of ache, you just learn to live with it. And while life has certainly had plenty of downs since your father and I got married, it’s a different type of sadness to go month after month, year after year, without you. However, here we are, still standing, still fighting, still moving forward.
I have a new appreciation for your daddy. He’s seen me at my lowest, my worst, yet he loves me regardless. Even though I have a body that rebels and refuses to give us the gift of you, he stands by me, holds my hand and tells me it will all be ok. On the days I feel close to giving up, he reminds me why I’ve fought so long and hard in the first place. I can’t wait for you to meet him, you will absolutely love him, and already, he loves you.
“Never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about”.
For us, that’s you, baby. We will continue to fight to have you, we already know you will be more than worth it. So, whenever you are ready to join us, we’re here, waiting.