July marked our very first IVF cycle after multiple failed rounds of IUI.
We were excited to jump right in and get the ball rolling. Little did we know that by late July we would be celebrating our first pregnancy and by early August, our first loss.
Overall our first cycle went fairly smoothly. We found out a couple of days before my egg retrieval that I was potentially at risk for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) but I managed to avoid it. I suffered the regular side effects from meds and was super bloated and uncomfortable by the week of retrieval but the process itself went well. We transferred one fresh 4AA blastocyst on day five and had one perfect embaby to freeze on day six.
About five days after my transfer, I started spotting.
I was obviously concerned and I thought the worst. After about 24 hours and speaking with my nurse and doing a little bit of googling, I concluded that it may have been a good sign. You see, implantation occurs anywhere from one to six days after an embryo transfer so I just assumed our little poppy seed implanted late and carried on with my week. But eight days after my transfer, the spotting hadn’t stopped. In fact, it was getting worse. I decided to take a cheap dollar store test to see if I was pregnant.
To my surprise, there was a faint second line.
I couldn’t believe it. I stared at the faint little line for what felt like hours. I decided to go to the pharmacy and buy a First Response early response test as they tend to pick up the HCG levels sooner. I took that test when I got back home, tucked it into my nightstand and went about my evening. I wasn’t going to tell my husband about it because it was too soon.
When I finally went back to the drawer to check, there was a fairly noticeable line. I was so excited that I had to tell him. I had never been pregnant before. We had never been pregnant before. I told him a few minutes later on the couch and showed him the test. He was cautiously excited as he is with everything on this journey and I understood his position. It was early.
Not even 24 hours later my excitement started to turn into worry.
I started bleeding heavier on Friday night and by Saturday morning I had a full flow consistent with my period. I didn’t know what to think: was I still pregnant? Were we losing our little poppy seed? I had no idea what to do. I decided to go back to the pharmacy and purchase a Clearblue digital test. Because we had never been pregnant, I’d never made it to the point where I needed to confirm a pregnancy.
I purchased the digital test and immediately headed to the closest bathroom. After I took it, I put the test back in the box, put the box in the bag and shoved it into my purse and left the mall. I sat in my car for what felt like an eternity before I went back into my purse, pulled out the bag and the box, and eventually, the test. I saw a big bright word on the screen that I had never seen before:
I totally freaked out, but I quickly noticed something off with the test. This particular digital test not only tells you that you’re pregnant, it dates the pregnancy as well. While I know these things aren’t 100 percent accurate, it said I was one to two weeks pregnant when I should have been four weeks and one day, so the test should have said I was at least three weeks along.
It was at that moment I pretty much knew that our little poppy seed may have been leaving us. I carried on with my weekend filled with family and friends and completely stopped testing at that point. I decided I would just hold on to the last few days I had of being pregnant and while I was hoping for the best, I feared the worst.
Last Monday I had a blood test to confirm if I was pregnant or not and as it turned out, I was. After the doctor reviewed my HCG levels, which were extremely low, and based on the fact that I had been bleeding so much since the Saturday, I was advised to stop my progesterone and to return for monitoring in 48 hours where they anticipated the pregnancy would end itself.
So there I was: pregnant, but waiting to lose it.
Happy, but devastated. In a strange pregnant-but-not-pregnant limbo. I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t breaking every time I thought about it but I am also trying so very hard to look at the bright side. For the first time in our lives, we were pregnant. It might have only been for a few days but I will hold on to that until I am given the chance to be pregnant again.
This was a HUGE milestone for us. One that ended far too soon, but one that also proved pregnancy is possible. We need to take another break again to let my body get back to normal but we plan to carry on with our frozen embryo transfer in the fall.
Michelle L, alongroadtobaby.wordpress.com