I have always envisioned myself as a mother.
In fact, when I was in high school, I remember a presentation that we had to do in French class on success. While my classmates talked about careers, money, houses, and cars, I talked about family. A family is what I always dreamed of and I always assumed that it would be attainable without problem.
I remember how fun it was to dream with my close friends about what our perfect husband would be like, every single detail of our weddings, how many kids we wanted, what names we liked, etc. It felt so exciting to dream about the future! The dreaming only continued when I got married and let me tell you, I had Pinterest boards galore! My high school idea of success would soon be achieved…that is until my PCOS diagnosis came along.
My husband and I have now been trying to get pregnant for about 4.5 years.
We have had one miscarriage. This is not at all how things were supposed to go. My dreams were very quickly crushed. This has been incredibly difficult on so many different levels and we have been robbed of so much. Our talk about children has gone from, when we have children, to if we have children.
My dreaming stopped and my Pinterest boards came to a halt. It was and still is too painful to let myself dream about something that may never be. I have often wandered into the baby section of a store and usually end up having an internal battle about if I should walk away or stay and look at the adorable onesies, toys and stuffed animals. Most of the time I walk away feeling sad. Other times I have stood there, picked things up, smiled and dreamed, but for the most part, I walk away.
Can you relate to this?
When I was pregnant, I held back from buying things or getting too excited.
A friend of mine told me to let myself celebrate and experience the joy of being pregnant. To enjoy all of the little things, but somehow it felt so wrong. Friends, this shouldn’t be. Dreaming is such a natural thing to do and it gives us hope and excitement!
Infertility has robbed enough from us. Our ability to have children is not something that we can control, and that really sucks. So let’s keep dreaming, because maybe it can offer us a little bit of fun, light and hope amidst the darkness and grief. I totally know that this is easier said than done. I seem to go through phases where I feel more hopeful and dreaming seems easier and other times where I feel bitter and angry and dreaming and hoping is just not happening.
Wherever you are at, it’s ok!
However, if you can, let yourself wander in to baby sections and squish the cute stuffed animals, smile at the cute onesies and maybe even buy something and stash it away! Let yourself dream about what style of nursery you want and what names you like and if it makes you feel sad, that’s ok too. Let yourself feel sad. If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that guilt has not helped anything. So let yourself be. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, think the thoughts, buy the onesies and dream the dreams.
All my love,