So, you wanna have a baby. Wonderful! Stupendous! How lovely for you! If only it were that easy. But, as luck would have it, you find yourself browsing the web for the best fertility treatments instead of the best stroller and that leads you here. Welcome to the land of IF! ‘If’ in this case is short for infertility. It’s an acronym, see, you’ll find that when dealing with infertility there are a lot of them. So much so that reading infertility forums and blogs can be like wading through alphabet soup. Infertility alphabet soup- mmmm-yummy.
Being as I spent 3 years pouring myself over my computer day and night wading through treatments, and forums, and what have you, I feel like I know firsthand how confusing and ridiculous all the acronyms can be. So, I set out to create an honest list of the acronyms you are likely to run into as you begin your own journey through infertility. Being as it’s an HONEST list I should start out by being honest with you, this list is not comprehensive, I mostly chose the ones that are honestly funny to me! I cannot guarantee that you won’t run into other acronyms that are not on this list, the infertility world is vast, but here are a few that it pays to know!
2WW/TWW- Two Week Wait
Starting with this one is obvious, it’s a number and were going alphabetically, but also because holy hell do you want to know what this stands for! The two week wait is the term given to the approximately two weeks of your cycle after ovulation when you MIGHT be pregnant. Most people don’t give these two weeks a passing thought, but once you’re trying to get knocked up it becomes like a virtual scavenger hunt of symptoms. This person on that forum had swollen boobs and your ta-tas are on FIRE! Must be due to an, as yet, unknown pregnancy! It doesn’t help that literally everything you can google was experienced in pregnancy by someone somewhere and really mean NOTHING for you personally. But have fun googling symptoms anyway. Knowing this acronym you can type your searches so much faster!
AF- Aunt Flow, menstrual cycle, your period
Ah demon spawn, thy name is flow! Typing AF is definitely faster but does nothing to dull the absolute agony that is having your uterus ripped asunder from another failed cycle. Not to mention your poor, also bleeding, heart!
AI- Artificial Insemination
I know, for a second you read it and though ‘artificial intelligence’ and you’re not wrong, wrong. I mean, those doctors sure have to be intelligent to know where to place the sperm in your uterus to bypass that wiley cervix! But there are no real robots involved. Just a centrifuge and a catheter.
ART- Assisted Reproductive Technology or Advanced Reproductive Technology
I love that the acronym for all the intense reproductive technology we have to use is ART. Leading to people saying nauseating things like “My kid is a work of ART!” … but, actually, it does make it feel pretty special and interesting, instead of heartbreaking and costly. Maybe it’s really all of those things. I like this one anyway.
BD: Bedding, baby dance, sex/ DTD- Doing the deed, sex
Holy moly, can we just cut to the chase and type sex?! It’s not any longer than DTD!! But some people are pear clutchers and CANNOT fathom typing sex into a search engine or forum board. I mean, if that’s who you are fine… own it. But I think it’s fucked up that you can say “When hubby and I BD and I’m on top will all his juices just come out?” Um, if you can ask about positions, just type sex. Unless you literally got on your bed and did a variety of rain dance to call upon unborn babies… then, by all means, use BD in your question!
Beta- Beta HCG blood test
This is the only actual pregnancy test you need when you have seen your Dr. regarding fertility. Super accurate to something ridiculous like 1 unit of the baby hormone in your blood. Baby hormone shows up in your blood first, then your pee, anything measuring blood is faster. Pee tests, even super sensitive ones detect like 10 units of baby hormone in your pee, so even talking sensitivity this is better. Just make sure the blood test you get is the freaking BETA blood test, there is also a qualitative type that only says yes or no to finding baby hormone and cannot tell you if the amount of hormone looks good. You want to know the hormone count if you’re at risk for miscarriage, or, you want to obsessively google it…. As ya do.
BFN- Big Fat Negative/ BFP- Big Fat Positive
When the end of your TWW rolls around this is how you’ll announce your results. I always read it with a Fucking in the middle instead of Fat, because if we are being honest that’s usually how either upset or excited I’d be about it. Either the last month of my life was a fucking failure and a joke or it was fucking fabulous and I’m fucking gloriously pregnant… see, it works better with the word fucking, no?
CM- Cervical Mucus/ EWCM- Egg White Cervical Mucus
No, you’re right, that said mucus… I know, I thought it was a typo the first time I read it too. Because 1) What? And 2) Ew. Before trying to get pregnant so hard I was basically granted a PhD in fertility I had NO clue about mucus. Nevermind how it could help me get pregnant. Well, I’m here to tell you that, nasty as it is, it’s also useful. Grab a handful off goop and inspect it ladies! Stretchy and clear? Better hop on that D! Woah, that was crass… Penis, it’s called a penis. 😉
DPO- Days Past Ovulation
This goes along with the TWW. You need to know how many days ago you ovulated. I mean the EXACT number! Otherwise how will you know how to google the precise symptoms you have or if you can test reliably yet! The google need specifics here, people!
DPT- Days Past Transfer/ DP3DT- Days Past 3 Day Transfer/ DP5DT- Days Past 5 Day Transfer
Days past transfer is the rough equivalent to days past ovulation if you’re doing IVF. Technically you can still figure out the DPO as well as the DPT which would be slightly different. But now we’re getting more specific than you need. You just want to know what this stands for!
EPT- Early Pregnancy Test/ FRER- First Response Early Result Test/ HPT-Home pregnancy test/ PT- Pee Test
Holy god, how many ways can you type pregnancy test without actually having to type out pregnancy test?! A lot. This is probably not even all of them. There must be regional variations that I am unaware of.
HCG-Human Gonadotrophic Hormone
Aka: the baby hormone! You want this. In pee tests. Blood tests. All of the pregnancy test measure this stuff. Good luck on your quest of finding it!
Try saying that 5 times fast! It’s also known by its Latin name Painus Maxuimus Test…us. This is where the Dr. injects dye through a catheter into your uterus and watches on a sonogram as it spreads through your fallopian tubes. It is done in real time and you can’t move. Sounds easy but it’s a very uncomfortable test. Probably the least enjoyable that you will have to undergo and so holding position while you want to squirm and cry is harder than it sounds! But it’s a necessary diagnostic tool. Best to just suck it up.
IUI- Intra Uterine Insemination/ IVF- In Vitro Fertilization/ ICSI- Intra-Cellular Sperm Injection
Ah all the ways to get pregnant that do not include sexing like rabbits! IUI where they inject the sperm close to your fallopian tubes, to cut down on transit time and make it less likely that the little buggers get lost. IVF where all the magic happens in a petri dish and the finished project is transferred back into your uterus to hopefully implant and grow. And ICSI where you take nothing for granted and push a single good looking sperm right into the egg causing fertilization and leaving little to chance lol.
LMP- Last Menstrual Period (first day)/ CD-Cycle Day
A little confusing but LMP is your period but you want to count the first day you started bleeding. Similarly cycle day lets people know where in your menstrual cycle you are and starts on day one on the first day you see blood. Good to know where you are in your cycle for timing meds, ovulation predictor kits, and sexy time!
RE- Reproductive Endocrinologist
Your fertility specialist. Not to be confused with GP, who are your typical everyday Dr. and typically shit at all the getting pregnant stuff!
TMI- Too Much Information
I know you know what this means. You’d have to be living under a rock to not know what this means in 2016. I included it because, if you’re going to discuss sexual positions, cervical mucus, sperm count and whatever else, you really should just skip saying TMI. It should be implied. We’re talking about the nitty gritty shit that happens when trying to make a baby, pearl clutchers and prudes need not apply!
And there you have it! I sincerely hope that this helped you broaden your acronym repertoire and gave you a good chuckle. Who says knowledge and enjoyment can’t go hand in hand? For a more comprehensive list of acronyms you can also check this awesome sheet from Fertility Plus –here-.
Until next time, enjoy all the BD you can, good luck surviving the TWW and may all your FRER be BFPs!
You can read more from Kaeleigh MacDonald AKA: ‘Unpregnant’ Chicken on her Blog.